Divorce - Are You Ready For It?
You need to know that it is really over. Here are the things to consider when wondering if the marriage is really over and destined to end in divorce:
Pinpoint the Problem/s
Marriage is hard work. Have you done all you can do to make it successful? Identify the problems. Maybe they can be fixed, maybe not.
When the ‘Magic’ is Gone
The fact that the excitement is gone is no reason to leave. Sadly, this is normal. As couples settle in to daily life together, they tend to lose focus on doing things for each other, as the stuff of daily life happens – household chores, work issues, health challenges, children demanding care and so on. Couples have to work hard to make each other feel cared for under the conditions of ‘ordinary life’. Both must be willing, and contributing. Though one often does more work than the other, both must be committed to making the marriage work.
Money Troubles
When you have financial difficulties, divorce can begin to look like a good idea. This is especially so, when you manage money well but your spouse does not. Have you talked about the problem, tried a money management program? Take some advice from a financial adviser, or attend a course on money management together. Then, attend a course on wealth creation. Do it together and have the serious intention to create financial success. You will, if you work at it.
If however your spouse continues to act recklessly with money matters to the detriment of you and your family, it may be time to move on.
Children – Differences Over Parenting
Huge fights can erupt between spouses, over parenting issues. Children are wonderful, but they can distract and divide the parents. They can also exhaust you to the point where you are so tired that you are easily irritated, especially by your spouse. Differences of opinion as to how to handle the children can lead to disputes. Have you consulted books and experts? Have you tried separating the problem from the relationship – realise that both of you are entitled to have different ideas and approaches. Both parents must however have strong bonds with the children and must be committed to doing the best for them. This is often perceived not to be the case with ‘blended’ (step) families – some people find it hard to commit to another person’s children. And the children can be antagonistic to a step parent, too. This is often the breaking point for a second marriage.
Domestic Violence
Violence in a relationship is unacceptable. It must be addressed early. Once started, it can easily intensify. If it persists or becomes extreme, the victim must get away from the perpetrator – for a while, at least.
As a victim of domestic violence, it is only worth staying in a relationship if the guilty one is genuinely repentant and willing to take steps to control it. Beware of the serial abuser who cries and apologises after each beating – it becomes a pattern. Beware of blaming yourself, if you are a victim. This is a common problern amongst victims of abuse. See a therapist if you are in this trap.
Substance Abuse or Psychological Problem
If one spouse is ‘hooked’ on alcohol or drugs, this can drag both of you, and your kids, down. The addict must be willing to recognise and deal with the problem. Real action is necessary, not just empty promises. Action starts with an admission of dependence. If your spouse continues to use alcohol or other addictive substance, but denies that there is a problem – leave. If that does not shock them into real change, issue the divorce papers.
The same applies to a recurring emotional or other psychological problem. Experts must be consulted and therapy sought.
The ‘innocent’ spouse may be justified in deciding to leave a person whose behaviour is continually harmful and who refuses to acknowledge the problem, or deal constructively with it. Sometimes such a problem can be dealt with very easily – with medication, for example.
Marriage Counselling
Men in particular are reluctant to seek counselling. Some women are, too. Often, one partner will say – “But it’s your fault – you go to therapy!” This shows a lack of commitment and possibly a refusal to acknowledge reality. It may be conscious, or not. See a therapist anyway. At least, you may get confirmation of your own views.
If both parties see a therapist, it is possible with time and commitment to confront and deal with your problems. Both must be determined to make it work, however. Even where the problem is with only one of the spouses (substance abuse, or perhaps an anger control issue), the other person must be willing to give support.
One Person Can Make A Difference
If one person decides to change the marriage, he or she can. By working on your own issues, learning to understand the other person’s problems and encouraging the other partner wherever possible, you can begin to change the other person’s behaviour, gradually. Don’t nag. Praise the other spouse’s ‘good’ behaviour and show your own commitment to the marriage.
Don’t be a martyr, however. It can be very lonely – and even pointless – to struggle on your own. Be sure you are not simply wasting your efforts. Do a regular ‘reality check’ by seeing a therapist (a professionally qualified person like a psychologist). Life is too short to commit yourself to a lonely, futile struggle.
Beware of Advice from The Wrong Source
It is useful to get an opinion from another person before leaving a marriage. But, don’t listen to the wrong advice – it can do more damage than good. Ask friends for support, not advice on your relationship.
The person you speak to should be a neutral person, and preferably, a professional. Do not take advice from untrained people, especially if they have something to gain from your divorce – a lover (or potential lover), a friend or other person who has also been through a divorce and may have unresolved issues. Amateur advice, no matter how well meant, can also be disastrous.